The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
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Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
B
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
somebody come look at this
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday