[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
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Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.