@andylassner

The Samsung Galaxy is a cool phone if you don’t mind carrying around a 42″ screen.

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@Marlebean

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

@samdunsiger

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

@Staggfilms

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

@heymonroe

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

@ArfMeasures

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ??’? ???? ????

@climaxximus

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

@Underchilde

I like long walks on the beach and lying about being married.

@Sorrowscopes

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.