@andylassner
@Marlebean
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
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@Marlebean
@samdunsiger
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
@Staggfilms
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
@Social_Mime
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
@heymonroe
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
@ArfMeasures
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ??’? ???? ????
@climaxximus
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
@Underchilde
I like long walks on the beach and lying about being married.
@Sorrowscopes
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
@TheMichaelRock
I wonder who Rose is going to kill in Titanic II.