The Samsung Galaxy is a cool phone if you don’t mind carrying around a 42″ screen.

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My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”


Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.


Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.


Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.



Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ??’? ???? ????



me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.


I like long walks on the beach and lying about being married.


Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.