Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
The Samsung Galaxy is a cool phone if you don’t mind carrying around a 42″ screen.
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I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Since my cat keeps waking me up at three in the morning, I’ve decided to wake him up every day at three in the afternoon.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
FRIEND:i suffer badly with insomnia
FRIEND:it’s where you can’t sleep
ME:you just*lays down*just like this *falls asleep*see?
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Thank you, Internet.
A hipster so cool he is reading a tree