@andylassner

The Samsung Galaxy is a cool phone if you don’t mind carrying around a 42″ screen.

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@BackrowSeats

I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.

@Shade510

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

@mymomlogs

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

@mommajessiec

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

@MattMcC1

the worst part of being a chuck e cheese janitor is having to kiss each ball in the ballpit goodnight before i turn the lights out.

@ianpauldukes

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

@girlontapas

If a movie was named “Home Alone” in 2020, it would be a fantasy film.

@KentWGraham

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?