@andylassner

The Samsung Galaxy is a cool phone if you don’t mind carrying around a 42″ screen.

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

@Dawn_M_

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

@SondraDeeMe

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

@HandfulOfLewds

Since my cat keeps waking me up at three in the morning, I’ve decided to wake him up every day at three in the afternoon.

@BruceForce

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

@JustLikeMikee

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

@trojansauce

FRIEND:i suffer badly with insomnia
ME:what’s that
FRIEND:it’s where you can’t sleep
ME:you just*lays down*just like this *falls asleep*see?

@tsunami__7

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.