[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
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The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman