Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
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no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week