The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
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stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Time for evil
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys