The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
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My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.