The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
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My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.