The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
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When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Bros before Ohioes
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”