The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
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I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
first you must answer his riddles
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do