The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

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20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.


I’ll never be as horrified as the kid who suddenly realizes they’ve been following the wrong “mom butt” at the grocery store.


It’s not that I think I’m out of your league.

Its more that I’m not even sure we’re playing the same sport.


You can lead a teenager to the dishwasher, but you can’t make him load it.


*turns down the lights* Girl this is going to be a magical night *dumps legos on bed* ok first we need to separate these by color


I’m pretty sure God and Satan are both women, because who else would hold a grudge for that long?


My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.


When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”