The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

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People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?


Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I’ve only done that with pizza


I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.


[crouches down]
[rubs earth between fingers]
‘The pizza went that way ..’


I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.


Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.


I eat sunflower seeds because I like food but I absolutely love littering


Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.


Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.