The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
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You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.