20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
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I’ll never be as horrified as the kid who suddenly realizes they’ve been following the wrong “mom butt” at the grocery store.
It’s not that I think I’m out of your league.
Its more that I’m not even sure we’re playing the same sport.
You can lead a teenager to the dishwasher, but you can’t make him load it.
*turns down the lights* Girl this is going to be a magical night *dumps legos on bed* ok first we need to separate these by color
I’m pretty sure God and Satan are both women, because who else would hold a grudge for that long?
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
*Aims for the moon*
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”