The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
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Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
When he asks for feet pics
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*