the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
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Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive