I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
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Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best