It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
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Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.