Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
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Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
*puts my mental health in rice
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.