The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

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Do you have to go to the bathroom?
You sure?
How about now?
[movie begins]


professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers


Kanye goes to law school just so he can yell THE DEFENSE WESTS YOUR HONOR and moonwalk out of the courtroom. The defendant is executed.


Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.


Me: My head is killing me

My brain: You’ve had zero water today, destroyed your liver last night, haven’t eaten much real food, and have finished almost an entire pot of coffee

Me: I think I’ll make more coffee. Then maybe a beer.


Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]


Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.


as a cashier in a pharmacy i don’t want people to feel uncomfortable when they buy personal products, so while they’re paying i loudly ask them “Oh is this hemorrhoid cream for your Friend?” and wink at them so they know to follow my lead


Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.