The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
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A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any