The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
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I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
This is so me 😂😂
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.