“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
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CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
ME: I’ve beaten my drug addiction!
FRIEND: that’s great!
ME: now I’m addicted to coffee.
FRIEND: thats ok tho, coffee isn’t bad for you.
ME: [cutting up two lines of coffee grounds on a mirror]
ME: you want some?
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.