@Gupton68

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

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@qbermensch

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

@BuckyIsotope

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

@Tmoney68

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

@KalvinMacleod

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

@gfishandnuggets

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

@sonictyrant

ME: I’ve beaten my drug addiction!

FRIEND: that’s great!

ME: now I’m addicted to coffee.

FRIEND: thats ok tho, coffee isn’t bad for you.

ME: [cutting up two lines of coffee grounds on a mirror]

FRIEND:

ME: you want some?

@fro_vo

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

@samcorb

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

@copymama

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.