The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
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If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.