My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
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“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
I saw an alligator yesterday. At first I wasn’t sure and thought it could have been a crocodile. That is until I saw it later. Then I knew.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND *holds up a cat*
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Customer: the cat you sold me mauled my other cat.
Me: you mean the african large?
Customer: i think it’s a lion.
Me: *points to aquarium* wanna exchange it?
Customer: isn’t that a crocodile?
Me: snapping canoe lizard
Customer: i’ll take it