Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
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Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.