The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
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[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
inventing words: clothing
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.