The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
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dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
can’t talk my ride’s here
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)