[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

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her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one


The only standards I have in life are about the quality of alcohol I consume, and even that gets sketchy after about 5 drinks.


George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”


Thanks to this face I’ve been forced to work on my personality and wit for decades.


People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food


“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee


Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?