@Spaziotwat

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

You Might Also Like

@ClichedOut

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

@Parentpains

The only standards I have in life are about the quality of alcohol I consume, and even that gets sketchy after about 5 drinks.

@SeinfeldToday

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

@KoKeniSasquatch

Thanks to this face I’ve been forced to work on my personality and wit for decades.

@DanRegans

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

@lizard_wizard77

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

@PinkCamoTO

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?