Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
The second I feel pressured to do something, I’m out of there faster than a dog who hears his name and knows it’s bath time.
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Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages with all the neighbors that Kevin was home alone? Thanks Obama.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I can’t RSVP until I know the wifi situation at your event.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people’s cars saying “sorry for the damage.” Film reactions. Profit.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.