@WordUpBitch

The second I feel pressured to do something, I’m out of there faster than a dog who hears his name and knows it’s bath time.

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@Ruth_A_Buzzi

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

@robfee

Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages with all the neighbors that Kevin was home alone? Thanks Obama.

@sixfootcandy

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

@KyleMcDowell86

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

@BigPlanetEarth

Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people’s cars saying “sorry for the damage.” Film reactions. Profit.

@Sanbel11

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.