A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
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Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Check your privilege
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
live, laugh, laundry.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo