A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
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My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.