@PabloGSerski

The secret of a long marriage is accepting the utter euphoria you would feel from strangling your spouse to death isn’t worth life in jail.

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@WittySassBasket

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

@jwPencilAndPad

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

@noog

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

@rolldiggity

The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.

@TweetPotato314

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

@girlnarly

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

@BoogTweets

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

@UniqueDude2

WAITER: Your honor, when I said “enjoy your meal” he said “you too”
ME: it was a mistake
JUDGE: he gets half your meal
W: thanks
J: you too

@david8hughes

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

@OrdinaryAlso

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.