The secret of a long marriage is accepting the utter euphoria you would feel from strangling your spouse to death isn’t worth life in jail.

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Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.


There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.


Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards


The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.


[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.


me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente


[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house


WAITER: Your honor, when I said “enjoy your meal” he said “you too”
ME: it was a mistake
JUDGE: he gets half your meal
W: thanks
J: you too


[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no


Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.