Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
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I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol