The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
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Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I鈥檓 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don鈥檛 look that good now.
ME: Yeah I鈥檓 not 50 yet.
There comes a point in every parent鈥檚 life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn鈥檛 getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
You鈥檇 think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he鈥檚 made of money?
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I told her, no I don鈥檛 want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 馃槨
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you鈥檝e done don鈥檛 look at me in that tone of voice