The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
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[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend