Things that are loud:
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
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When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Another day, another police escort from Bed, Bath & Beyond.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Even in the darkest moments there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel, but yours will probably be an oncoming freight train.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof