@danagould

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

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@joe_binkley

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

@JoleenDoreen

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

@daemonic3

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

@noogscorner

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

@mommy_cusses

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

@2tickytacky

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

@bornmiserable

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

@Lipgloss_Nerd

Even in the darkest moments there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel, but yours will probably be an oncoming freight train.

@FredTaming

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof