The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
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In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!