i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
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Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
The legends speak of a third Duran…
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Don’t frighten the programmers!
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I hope google does well on my son’s test
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.