So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
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Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
was Jim off killing horses or…
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.