The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
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Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
How to wake up a Beagle
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window