The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.

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Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?


Maybe I can bury my burned out vibrators in the Pet Sematary and they’ll come back to life with a vengeance.


Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another


If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it


BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?


Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen


Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.


Ah, yes, Halloween. The perfect night for me, a man who gets spooked when the commercials are louder than the show. Fantastic.