The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
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My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.