@Adar79Angie

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

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@roxyisrad

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

@TheBeerGuy73

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

@BoogTweets

Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

@saucy_peaches

Marriage tips

1. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate bedrooms
3. Separate homes
4. Separate dates w/other ppl
5.
6. Don’t get married

@panmidwest

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

@alyssalimp

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

@bazecraze

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

@ADHDeanASL

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit