@Adar79Angie

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

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@withanewname

Aquaman: Come on in the water is great.

Ironman: Sorry dude I have rust issues.

@LostFelicia

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

@DarthSteveus

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween…I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

@Donna_McCoy

I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

@djdarrellripley

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

@BatmanOffDuty

*Indian sending smoke signals* Buffalo… Coming… *other Indian replies* New… Fire… Who… Dis?

@jdforshort

If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom

I guess it’s finally time to shave my legs for spring

*Walks away with hedge trimmers

@novixv

Judge: I sentence you to 10 years
Defendant: Well I sentence YOU to 20 years
Lawyer: That’s not how that..
Judge: [being cuffed] DAMN YOU

@noog

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.