Aquaman: Come on in the water is great.
Ironman: Sorry dude I have rust issues.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
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I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween…I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
*Indian sending smoke signals* Buffalo… Coming… *other Indian replies* New… Fire… Who… Dis?
If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom
I guess it’s finally time to shave my legs for spring
*Walks away with hedge trimmers
Judge: I sentence you to 10 years
Defendant: Well I sentence YOU to 20 years
Lawyer: That’s not how that..
Judge: [being cuffed] DAMN YOU
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”