The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

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I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.


Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.


Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!


Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.


Marriage tips

1. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate bedrooms
3. Separate homes
4. Separate dates w/other ppl
6. Don’t get married


wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food


The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17


According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.


Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit