The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
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FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.