@jdbalani

The self checkout lane was probably invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

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@ArfMeasures

Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins

Wife: No you didn’t

Dog: Ruff

Me: See, wrath!

Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to

Dog: Gluttony

Wife: Holy shit

@mattZillaaaa

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

@Cadmarch

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

@Chhapiness

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

@Kauaibride

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

@RaccoonPun

What do you call someone with no body and a nose? Nobody knows.

@Ygrene

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

@SamuelHLowe

It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.

@kathradical

I got my first period during Shrek 2 live in theaters which means I entered Shrek 2 a child & left a woman