Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
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> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”