Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Wife: Holy shit
The self checkout lane was probably invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
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*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
What do you call someone with no body and a nose? Nobody knows.
Cashier: hi there
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.
I got my first period during Shrek 2 live in theaters which means I entered Shrek 2 a child & left a woman