The self checkout lane was probably invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

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Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins

Wife: No you didn’t

Dog: Ruff

Me: See, wrath!

Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to

Dog: Gluttony

Wife: Holy shit


*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice


Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?


Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands


Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.


What do you call someone with no body and a nose? Nobody knows.


[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol


It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.


I got my first period during Shrek 2 live in theaters which means I entered Shrek 2 a child & left a woman