@Jay16282

The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

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@fixyourcompass

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

@samalmightysam

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

@ibid78

The year is 2072. Numbers have lost all meaning. It could be 3247 for all they know. “It’s 5486,” says one guy, but it could’ve been 8 guys.

@KentWGraham

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

@WickedDarkEyes

If you haven’t used your fingers to “expand” a picture in a Magazine today, well then you’re not me.

@david8hughes

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

@pixelatedboat

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

@iGreenMonk

She said she was turned on by men who took risks.

So he took the plastic off his iPhone screen.

@JasonLastname

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.