Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
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My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
The year is 2072. Numbers have lost all meaning. It could be 3247 for all they know. “It’s 5486,” says one guy, but it could’ve been 8 guys.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
If you haven’t used your fingers to “expand” a picture in a Magazine today, well then you’re not me.
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
She said she was turned on by men who took risks.
So he took the plastic off his iPhone screen.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.