@BobTheSuit

The self-checkout screen says “Finish and pay.” I feel like I’m with an irritable hooker.

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@XplodingUnicorn

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

@TheCiscoKidder

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

@Shen_the_Bird

therapist: one way to handle criticism is by trying to engage in a healthy dialogue to understand their thoughts

me: ok

[later]

me: [over the loud laughter of teens] and why exactly am i a poop ass

@stephenjmolloy

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

@TheBeerGuy73

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

@writerPT

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

@rachann79

In honour ouf Canada Day, I’m incourpourating unnecessary ‘u’s intou my wourds.

@HansGrubertron

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

@NinsunG

Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on…

– me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants

@weinerdog4life

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.