If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
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My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma