The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
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Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Unimpressed
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I can’t deal with men any longer
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.