The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
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*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
podcasts
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy