@AnnietheNanny1

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

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@TheAlexNevil

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

@heyevergreen

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

@isabelzawtun

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

@clichedout

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

@Boleyngirly

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

@EndhooS

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

@MarlonBrandNO

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

@audipenny

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though