The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
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I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though