[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
You Might Also Like
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
#JohnTravolta
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*