M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
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Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..