[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
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All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
13: I have a friend that doesn’t like baseball, chocolate, or bacon.
Me: Pretty sure that’s not a friend, bro.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Biden: They don’t really think I’d say this stuff, right?
Obama: Come on Joe, you’ve said worse
Biden: HE’S NOT MY PRESIDENT BARACK. YOU ARE
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?