The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

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[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair


“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid


13: I have a friend that doesn’t like baseball, chocolate, or bacon.

Me: Pretty sure that’s not a friend, bro.


Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.


Biden: They don’t really think I’d say this stuff, right?
Obama: Come on Joe, you’ve said worse


My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁


St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.


Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.


Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes