The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
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So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
For the ones in the back.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.