The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
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not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!