One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
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I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
We’ve come full circle
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?