THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
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I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
The smoothest fall of all time
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”