The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
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Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.